My Life

So again I woke up crying. There is basically nothing good about my life. It seems like whenever I become a little happy someone snatches it away from me. Right now my mother is like my biggest oppressor. She just does nothing for me anymore. I mean she does things after things go wrong sometimes with my larger financial situations but for example on her birthday I spent almost the whole day after working in the morning driving around talking to my brother abt what he wanted to get her then rounding up multiple sets of great flowers and chocolates, cards and even hand cream from bergdorf goodman for her hands that have been cracking up from the bad weather. And my birthday was about 2weeks ago and what did I get? Nothing at all barely even a happy birthday until I pointed it out later in the day I mean I'm not too crushed by it but I didn't even get to do anything on my birthday because I was feeling very sick and the bf that I was going to spend it with's mother grew more ill and he had to go to his home town to be by her side. And the only one who celebrated my birthday and made me feel great was the boyfriend she doesn't want me talking to. I mean I'm 22 now I don't need my mother trying to make choices for me. And yes after being dissapointed so many times so far this year my birthday was the most important day of the year to me. This isn't even about my birthday it was just on my mind. I basically either stay well medicated or expect the day to bring me more dissapointment or replace my laying in bed under the covers with shopping for a lengthy high from buying beautiful things and spending money. And yeah I think I need therapy because if I don't take a pill I'll be depressed for the day with paramount feelings of anxiety and listlessness.

In the end I push it back inside and recall that I hate waking up crying.

A Dream i had

I dreamt that rufus had a daughter and we were still together in 6yrs and he met my mom but she looked like a crazy woman cuz she had long hair again n it was messy and she was yelling at kimora then and I designed clothes. Like everything we were wearing and stuff and jessica came home like I saw her when I was drivin back home to old ct then he was leaving me here so I kissed him and the daughter and woke up.

That Dream

Last night it really grossed me out to feel how much my body building boyfriends body is lacking. Its superficial I guess but it just threw me off. I'm so used to him being perfectly muscular and waking up to a hardbody but he was just thin and lacked muscle tone. But I digress, he's still the best but my lcb is much better, he has 7 years on my bodybuilding bf. Even when lcb doesn't workout for a while because on vaycay his body is still very hard. Yeah it is superficial and yeah I don't like that I'm like this. Why can't I be one of those girls who just dates a guy because he has a wonderful personality and dresses well but is a little chubby or something. Since I started dating I've always had a thing to hardbodies. Just guys who have a lot of muscle definition. I'm too buxom to date a skinny guy and I'm too tall to date a short guy. We'd look like scale opposites. Anyways yeah I'm content in my current relationships. I mean I'm dating workaholic, international and driven guys that have to be away still so I'm not getting as much attention as I feel i deserve sometimes but I don't want to be smothered. I'd rather long for the attention than get it. Because I know when I get it I'll feel smothered and wanna get out for a while and I've done that too many times.